Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
