I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
