You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
