If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize