The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
