What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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