next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
