i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
