Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Actions speak louder than pants.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
