How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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