Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
