garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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