Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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