I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
