OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
