Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
4 words: hood of his car
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
