he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Randomize
