she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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