Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
