so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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