i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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