i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
