at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize