i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
it's like heaven, but drunker
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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