Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Randomize
