I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize