i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
