her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
