that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
