im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
It's shark week go big or go home
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
