I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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