just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
