3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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