Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
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