Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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