I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Randomize