That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
