I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
So. Much. Porn.
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