my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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