im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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