life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
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