im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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