literally had 100 drinks last night.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
