When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
