I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
