the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
