I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
third nipple confirmed
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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