you're like a bully in the Christmas story
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
