i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
