i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
