I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
