I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
