Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
