life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
My dick has a subreddit
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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