I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
