I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
