then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
