Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
