I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
