I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize