YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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