Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
50% drunk capacity currently
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
